Loyalty. What does it mean to you?
I wonder this as I recall this guy recently telling me that he doesn’t think I could I ever be loyal.
I can’t lie, the statement triggered me AT FIRST but as I let it marinate I thought “LOYALTY?! IN THIS ECONOMY?”
As I look back into my relationships whether platonic or intimate, male or female, loyalty has been an underlying issue in most of them. On my end, I messed up maybe 2-3 ties I had to people because I crossed the line and was willing to take that risk.
But if you ask me, I’m a ride or die….til it’s my stop.
I’ve never felt anyone match my loyalty. People say they are down for me or got my back but when the moment arises where I need comfort or protection, I get let down. Or I see the hate or jealousy sparkle green in their eyes even when I am splitting my last dime with them. I’ve always felt like I have to watch my back even with the closest of friends because I see things in them that they think I don’t. With my paranoia, I still override their insecurities that they have regarding me and try to love and care for them. Deep down, I am hoping they can truly accept me with no malice in their heart. I have yet to find that.
And I’m no fool to give 100% loyalty to those who feel some type of way regarding me.
I keep a small circle and whoever I invite into my life, I look out for til they cross me or for whatever reason our friendship comes to an end. I’ve noticed a pattern of me switching out friends every four years or so. It could be a coincidence but I never can maintain the same friends. There’s always a point where I stop communicating with them or something happens where we become total strangers.
I’m still DTF AF but I don’t see me pursuing a relationship with anyone any time soon. Whoever decides to be with me will have to be down for the long haul. On some Oprah and Stedman goals type of thing. While I wait for the day they arrive, I am perfecting myself to be everything that I am demanding from them.
I keep experiencing unsatisfying relationships in all aspects with people so I think I’m closing myself from others for a while. It’s just me, myself and I. I’m not loyal to anyone but me for the moment or a few months, maybe even for the rest of the year! It’s beneficial because I’m taking the time to ask myself if I’m the hazard in these situations. Maybe it’s me, not them. Maybe I’m a sociopath or some low grade psychopath who is too into themselves to ever see that I’m the problem.
Nah, it’s not me, it’s them. Honestly and truly. I’m a moody, bad bitch who is practically a Renaissance woman and the unknown protege of Naomi Campbell BUT I keep it in check. I have resting bitch face 98% of the time (the other 2% is my “I’m eating” face) so it’s a pop up blocker for spam friends but it doesn’t catch them all.
I clowned Drake for Fake Love but he was on to something. I’m over the fake love and smiles in my face.